People are prone to use the phrase ‘there’s nothing worse than x’, where x designates an item of food. To such people I have two words: The Holocaust.

But it must be admitted that, within the domain of gustatory experiences at least, there is very little worse than biting into an unpleasant piece of fruit.

Imagine that you have a box in front of you. You’ve absolutely no idea what is in the box; all you know is that it will fall somewhere on a spectrum of pleasantness, at one end of which is a wad of cash, and at the other end of which is a severed baby’s head. I assume I’d be right in thinking you’d be somewhat flummoxed. Yet this is, effectively, the situation in which billions of people around the world find themselves every day. I’m not saying that encountering an unpleasant piece of fruit is as bad as encountering a severed head in a box (I can think of a couple of situations in which it would in fact be worse, but I’ll let that slide); the aforementioned spectrum merely serves as a useful analogy for just how thoroughly, infuriatingly unpredictable fruit is. This unpredictability is rarely if ever remarked upon; the unpredictability of fruit is one of the greatest elephants in the food hall.

So what is one to do? Juicing fruit is usually a pretty good bet: a good juice experience is generally better than good fruit experience, and an unpleasant juice experience is undoubtedly not as bad as an unpleasant fruit experience. But I think the most important piece of advice would be simply to temper one’s expectations, and to realise that, in the fruit game, you will be dealt a raw deal occasionally. Accepting this inevitability will hopefully go some way towards attenuating your desire to kick someone’s face off next time you bite into a powdery apple.

Another important piece of advice is to remember that all fruit is unpredictable, but some fruits are less unpredictable than others. I would say that no fruits are reliably good, but that there are a few that are fairly reliably bad. Thus, avoid fruit that has a low good to bad ratio. Apricots for example are very, very, very rarely worth eating. I personally have only ever had maybe one or two decent physalis experiences (probably not helped by the fact that, when I was young, my mum mispronounced it as ‘syphilis’ on more than one occasion), and kumquats, despite the awesome name, are otherwise totally without merit.

We hope you find this advice helpful as you traverse the minefield that is the fruit and veg aisle. If you feel you’ve been traumatised by the unpredictability of fruit, then Average Food Blog will be willing to help. Just mention us to all your friends. And then something will happen. We’re not sure what.

PS: ‘The Unpredictability Of Fruit’ is a good name for a novel.

PPS: On second thoughts, it really, really isn’t.


3 thoughts on “ALL FRUIT, EVER




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