Not even food.

Not even food.

Pink sweetmeats are the land that the 90s backlash against e-numbers in food forgot.

That would be the ideal opening sentence if it could be proved by any facts.

The truth is, the backlash even reached this taboo area. The only food items with e-numbers present in the United Kingdom today are those gelatine-heavy Polish and Turkish sausages you get in a local minimarket, but that, friends, is a review for another day.

I can’t help feeling that the factories that produce pink sweetmeats are lands where Bacchanalian bisexual orgies at the conveyor belt are the rule rather than the exception. It might be just me.

Pink sweetmeats cannot really be judged as any food category – they are all a variation on the taste of nothing; an anti-food if you will. They are just what they are, and should be left so, but they do need a re-scaling of usual scoring criteria.

Few pink sweetmeats score more than 3/10 when judged objectively across the broad sweep of food in general, so the revised score system multiplies real-world score by three to get what will be called the P.S.B. (Pink Sweetmeat Baseline).

Anyway, to the reviews:

Boland’s Coconut Creams are solid. OK, they’re pretty disgusting, but they are easily edible in one gulp and have no unpleasant aftertaste, something that flamboyant-coloured foods are prone to. The desiccated coconut is evenly distributed, and the mallow: biscuit ratio is nicely considered. They are made in Dublin.

Welsh-produced Caxton Pink ‘n Whites are the ultimate enemies of the stated aim of capitalism to weed out the products that fail. Nobody wants a pseudo-sandwich consisting of two pieces of always-stale Askey’s cornet filled mechanically with two-tone anti-marshmallow that has an aftertaste of a 1950’s Soviet dream of the year 2000. But yet, some people clearly do want them. If you want more paradoxes, see Joshua’s piece on Green Tea, if you want less paradoxes, do one.

Pink Turkish Delight, occasionally made in Turkey, is the weakest of its kind. I’m open to the idea of consuming flowers (elderflower cordial is a passable beverage) but flower flavouring is an aberration. All the same, it is a far superior food to all the above.

Pink mice: They’re ok. A bit rank all considered.

See, didn’t mention gender and/or Yorkie bars as the antithesis of the pink sweetmeat at all in this blog. Yes, there are more pink sweetmeats in the world, but to be quite honest, screw this. The sugar comedown I’m currently suffering is absolutely appalling, and there’s a sort of metallic sensation that seems to emanate from the centre of my skull. Let no sentient being ever suffer this again.

Boland’s Coconut Creams: 7/10

Caxton Pink ‘n Whites: 3/10

Pink Turkish Delight: 9/10

Pink mice: 6/10

Pink Power Sink & Drain Freshener: not a sweetmeat.


4 thoughts on “PINK SWEETMEATS


  2. bert

    I eat those pink and white wafers because they are low enough in calories and pretty much the only thing I can still eat. They’re not so bad. Kind of like sweet emptyness. Okay maybe they are bad. God I hate my life.


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