MATZO BREI

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One of the two co-founders of Average Food Blog is ‘of The Tribe’. Ok, so he hasn’t been to synagogue in about ten years. Ok, so he drives on the Sabbath. Ok, so he covets his neighbour’s ox. And his ass. It doesn’t really matter – if it is decreed that you are a Jew then you are a Jew, and all the bacon, crab, prawns and oxular covetation can’t do owt to change it.

Said co-founder will now stop writing about himself in the third person.

So I am a Jew. And this is a very special time of year for my people, commemorating as it does the time when a bunch of nomads were chased across the desert at a greater speed than they were used to, and then the sea parted, and then some bread wouldn’t rise, or something. Anyway, the bread failure is what is relevant here. This detail has somehow been interpreted to mean that, even now, my people are not supposed to eat bread during Passover. We can occupy other countries as much as we want, so long as no Kingsmill or Hovis passeth our lips.

What we can eat instead, however, is something called matzo (pronounced ‘matzer’, or at least that’s how I pronounce it). Imagine that you got a piece of cardboard and baked it in the sun for a whole day – that is roughly what matzo tastes like. It isn’t great, by any stretch of the imagination.

What is great, however, is something called matzo brei. This is a sort of morally superior version of eggy bread – the ‘Chosen Breakfast’, if you will. It is basically lots of pieces of matzo, all crumbled up into a bowl of beaten eggs, and then fried. Sounds simple, but it truly is the breakfast of the gods (Or, rather, of God): moist without being soggy, and with a pleasantly chewy texture. It’s basically like a macho version of scrambled eggs.

Is it worth converting to Judaism for? Probably not: there is an awful lot of good shit that Jews can’t eat, whilst – barring some kind of weird Nazi cult – there are no prohibitions on gentiles eating the food of the Jews. (So long as the Jews get their fair share too, of course.)

So please: eateth of the matzo brei, and rejoiceth(ethetheth)!

AMEN.

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