Milk is pretty much ubiquitous. Unless you’re some kind of vegan, you probably don’t give much more thought to consuming it, in some form or other, than you would a glass of water.

Far be it from this humble (very humble – we’re reviewing milk for God’s sake!) food blog to urinate on you milk-drinkers’ bonfires. Milk is very much here to stay, and there’s owt we or anyone else can do about it. I just want to make a brief observation. This observation may appear at first sight to be rather trivial, but I’ll bet it pokes its nose into your consciousness next time you consume milk. Whether or not it has a detrimental effect on your enjoyment of said consumption will perhaps depend on what kind of person, morally, you are.

Now it is a truism that co-reference occurs; I am far from a visionary in making the observation that multiple expressions can refer to one and the same thing. Nor, perhaps, am I a visionary in noting that milk can accurately be described as ‘cow juice’. Next time you have cereal, then, why not douse it with some cow juice? Next time you feel like a relaxing, hot beverage before bed, might I recommend a mug of warm cow juice? After a tasty dessert? Have a cow juice pudding.

It doesn’t sound especially edifying, does it? And remember: cheese is nothing more than gone-off cow juice. A burger is just mashed up cow. An egg is simply an extract of fowl. Language is but a cloak enshrouding the harsh reality of what we put in our mouths.

But perhaps these observations don’t bother you. If this is the case, your constitution is made of sterner stuff than mine. (NB I am not a vegan; I am just incredibly well acquainted with the phenomenon of cognitive dissonance.)

Milk (Skimmed): 5/10

Milk (Semi-Skimmed) 3/10

Milk (Full-Fat) 1/10 (see the paragraph about eating cereal in my post on GONE-OFF SWEETCORN)

Cow juice: minus-10/10

One thought on “MILK


    I would much rather have human milk, or to quote the Aphex twin, ‘I would like some milk from the milkman’s wife’s tits.’ What about black pudding? It’s essentially ‘mashed animal scabs’, but it’s delicious. And eggs are more than extract of chicken – they are hen periods. No less tasty for that. When a teenager I pointed this out to someone – that eggs are hen periods – and they refused to believe it. God knows what else they think unfertilised eggs could be described as.

    However, I would dispute your characterisation of cheese as ‘gone-off cow juice’; I’d far prefer to deem it ‘upcycled cow juice,’ like the pretentious ecohipster I am.


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