You don’t want to read this. Admit it. Every time a link to Average Food Blog appears on your Twitter or Facebook newsfeed your heart sinks. Perhaps the name puts you off: ‘why would I want to read an average blog’, you might think, ‘when there are several above-average blogs out there?’. Or you might think: ‘why would I want to read about average food, when I can read about good food?’. Of course Average Food Blog is innovative precisely because it is average, but this is lost on you, isn’t it? You think it is boring, and you can’t be bothered to read it.
Or perhaps you’re mildly interested, but are simply too busy to read the meanderings of a pair of twentysomething reprobates. You’ve better things to do. You have kids, and a job. You go on dates, and holidays, and have sex. Why the hell should you want to read Average Food Blog?
And you know what? I don’t blame you for feeling this way. The fact is, there is a greater supply of opinions in the world than there is demand for those opinions. Sure, it pains me: a smart riff on sesame bars, or on fruit, may make me feel worthwhile for about a minute, but reality quickly slaps me in the face when my musings are met with not so much as a retweet or a like – a deafening wall of silence. But fundamentally, I do not blame you. Such is the life of an Average Food Critic.
This is not to say, however, that I am going to take indifference lying down. I have already pioneered the olfactory food review and the review of something eaten years previously, and now I’m really going to go wild: the present review concerns an item of food I have never eaten.
I’ll say it again. The present review concerns an item of food I have never eaten. For Spam has never passed my lips.
I am going to give it 10/10 though. And the reason I am going to give it 10/10 is because the pretense at writing a review of Spam will enable me, with some degree of legitimacy, to send this review indiscriminately to people via social media. After all, surely the only time it is ever acceptable to spam people is with a review of Spam. Surely such a thing is not merely acceptable, but is in fact a cunning marketing stunt.
This is why I don’t have a proper job.