Crisps scream their self-righteousness at you these days. These two are ideal microcosms of a greater disease.
Kettle Chips: “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ARTIFICIAL”, “HAND COOKED”, “PICKED, GATHERED AND GROWN”.
Walkers Sunbites: “WHOLEGRAIN CRISPY SNACKS”, “SUN RIPENED”, “TINY MOMENTS OF EXTRAORDINAIRY PLEASURE”.
Listen up, slightly-more-pretentious-than-standard crisps: go fuck yourselves.
I recently ate some actual ‘high-end’ crisps. These two lackadaisical pretenders ain’t them. Those that aren’t pretending melt on your tongue in some kind of oil-gasm, salt grains dissolving one by one on your tongue. Kettle Chips and Sunbites just sit in a foil bag like self-satisfied marathon runners. Sitting is not always a bad thing, but few people dream of just sitting in their most indulgent snack-based dreamscape.
Of course they’re a nice crisp, both, but that is it. That’s never enough is it, snackfood marketers? You need to create a fucking bespoke font that looks like it’s been inked on to a hessian sack for your full-page ad in The Metro, don’t you? Just let the shop display do its thing – the people will surely naturally gravitate your way over Discos or Pom Bear, for fuck’s sake.
Here’s another thing: Walkers Sunbites > Kettle Chips. This may strike some as a rabidly controversial view, but I’m prepared to stand it.
Flavour-wise, there’s not a lot in it, but Walkers’ production has a greater longevity of crunch due to its curve-ridge format, a more pleasurably rugged surface texture, and the Sunbite does not make you think of a kitchen appliance pre-, mid- or post-snack. Everyone likes sun; everyone likes biting. Insert Luis Suarez gag.
An under-rated quality where the Sunbite exceeds the Kettle Chip is the crumbs. When you reach the lowest reaches of foil baggage, you want a crumb that sticks willingingly to a probing index finger. The Sunbite delivers; the Kettle Chip is a reluctant finger-ally.
So there you go – another 2-3 minutes of your life wasted reading about crisps.
Kettle Chips: 7/10