Well now. I am about to do a food review on something that isn’t food. And I don’t mean this in the obtuse sense in which someone might describe something disgusting, or outlandish, as ‘not food’. Nor do I mean that I am going to review a drink. What I mean is that I am going to be discussing something made of plastic and metal; something which, not having Pica, I have never put in my mouth.
I know, I know. I’m crazy. Cray Cray. Completely Nutty-Bananas. But let me explain.
My estimation is that 73.4% of all average food comes in a can. (I have no evidence for this, but it is my estimation.) Given this, it is surely a reasonable endeavour to discuss a necessary condition for the consumption of such food – the can opener. Because without such a device, we would have a great deal less average food. AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE??
The can opener under consideration here is the Culinare MagiCan. Here is my advice to anyone considering using such a thing:
(1) Go to your nearest can opener shop.
(2) Purchase a Culinare MagiCan.
(3) Stick it up your fucking arse.
I have never encountered a more useless piece of garbage in all my life. The MagiCan clamps onto the tin with all the force of a jellyfish administering a ‘happy ending’ to The Incredible Hulk. It resists attachment in the way that a newborn baby might resist being suckled by her heroin-addled mother. Hell, the thing is so mind-numblingly frustrating that it is impacting upon my ability to come up with a cogent simile.
Can openers should, by rights, be obsolete anyway. Many of the best average food-purveyors put ring-pulls on their cans. Why don’t they all do this? Are they in the pocket of the evil can opener barons? Well enough I say. I propose a boycott. Right after I’ve opened this tin of John West tuna.
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