CHEWING GUM

File:Chewed gums.jpg

Sometimes the initiation of chewing chewing gum makes me sneeze. If this was marketed as an advantage, like as a really minor extreme sport, this might succeed. MAY CAUSE SNEEZING!!! Wow, I am buying this renegade product and putting it in my mouth.

Unfortunately, it’s not even mentioned on the packaging, it’s just a fairly rubbish occasional surprise. This reduces the overall score for all chewing gum, ever, by two points without pointing out any further faults. The thing is, there are several further faults.

The major further fault is that chewing gum is not really even a food when you think about it. You actually don’t even have to think about it at all to realise that chewing gum is not food. Swallowing chewing gum doesn’t cause any of the dire playground myths, but you’d have to swallow so many bits to even satisfy stomach-filling it’d end up costing you the equivalent of a slap-up at Hix Champagne and Caviar Bar inside Selfridges.

Other further faults include fruit chewing gum, which is always, always wrong. Keep it mint, if you must go down the chewing gum route. The word ‘mint’ on your packaging is such a failsafe that black mint Airwaves is surprisingly palatable, even borderline advisable.

One thing it is good for is when you ought to have done vocal exercises for some reason, but haven’t. Putting in three pieces of chewing gum and doing an excessively rounded chewing technique makes it feel like your mouth’s warmed up a bit. Conversely, it can also make the inside of your mouth feel like a cool sanctuary on a hot day. Here at Average Food Blog, we give you these gems for free.

All chewing gum, ever: disqualified as non-food, or 4/10.

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