Average Food Blog is nothing if not controversial. In fact, rumour has it that, once Ramadan is over, Anjem Choudary will be our next guest blogger. We’ll keep you posted with that one.

For now though, brace yourselves for what I’m about to say. Literally brace yourselves, as in buy one of those neck-brace things, to prevent your jaw hitting the flaw. I am about to say something utterly, utterly taboo. It is so taboo that is makes Josef Fritzl look like Cliff Richard. Are you ready? ARE YOU MOTHERF**KIN READY??

Here goes.

Bourbon biscuits are overrated.

There. I said it. And you know what? I feel better for it. For too long our society has laboured under the false impression that Bourbon biscuits represent the apotheosis of biscuithood, the Platonic Form to which all other biscuits cannot help but aspire. Well no more, sisters!

In fact, I’m going to go even further than the claim the Bourbons are overrated, and say something even bolder: they are actually kind of wack.

Now far be it from your humble author to actually back anything up with any form of sustained argument, but I am going to provide a couple of reasons for my claim. The first is this: Bourbons are bland in comparison to what they purport to represent. Before you go all like ‘you’re wrong’ on me, hear this: I am not saying that they are bland per se. Custard Creams, for example, are not exactly effervescing with piquancy, but they carry the same note of subtlety as that which they represent, i.e. custard. Bourbons, however, are so far removed from chocolate in their flavoursomehoodednessificocity that they are almost as bad as carob bars. And, as with carob bars, it is this element of disappointment that counts so heavily against them.

The second reason is this: they have no bourbon in them. In fact, I bet one could have like five million of the little buggers and still be safe to drive. The biscuits should be named more accurately: ‘Bland Pseudo-Chocolate Slab Of Disappointment’. I can see them flying off the shelves.

I feel relieved, quite frankly. Unburdened.

Bourbons: 3/10

3 thoughts on “BOURBON BISCUITS

  1. southsidesocialist

    I disagree. I am a great fan of the cheaper end of the biscuit market – nothing makes me happier than a pink wafer (except a lemon puff, I love them) – and I very much enjoy a Bourbon biscuit. Custard Creams, on the other hand, are so boring as to be completely not worth eating, not even if they are the only biscuit available.


    Bourbons do not purport to be chocolatey, in the same way carob bars do not pretend to be chocolate. The clue’s in the name. It is your category error, not that of the biscuits. The flavour of a bourbon biscuit is BOURBON.

    Bourbon biscuits are, like the alcoholic drink, named after the European royal house, rather than the alcoholic drink.

    Bourbon biscuits are crunchy, piquant, great value, wondrous when dipped in milk and ripe for being split apart then scraping the middle off with your teeth as a funky post-Ramadan snack. 9/10.

    To conclude: BURN IN HELL INFIDEL!

    NB: None of this applies to those squat knock-off bourbons with the strange magic carpet-like patternings on them which taste like Tebbitwank.


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