When one is hungry, one desires food. When one is thirsty, one desires drink. What, then, does one call the feeling whereby one desires a smoothie? Go on, have a think about it.

You can’t think of the name for that feeling, can you? Because it doesn’t fucking exist.

Smoothies operate in the uncomfortable hinterland between foodstuff and beverage, a futile existence which renders them constantly poised to satiate a desire which nobody ever actually has. Next time you are really thirsty, place in front of you a smoothie and a glass of juice. Have a sip (if that is even the correct verb) of the smoothie. I promise you you will not be satisfied, and the subsequent gulp of juice will reveal to you just how lame the smoothie is in comparison. Likewise with food: take a [insert verb here] of smoothie, then a bite into a piece of solid food. I promise you, for almost any item of food you care to mention, the food will better alleviate your hunger.

And it’s not only in comparison with food and drink that Average Food Blog ventures to suggest that smoothies fail; they are objectively rubbish. The texture is crap – viscous and horrible. A mouthful of smoothie is like a mouthful of cold, soggy nappy.

I personally would go even further and suggest that smoothie aficionados are actually highly immoral people. Once again, nappies serve as a useful analogy here. Imagine how lazy a continent, adult human would have to be to wear a nappy. Now imagine how lazy an adult with a fully-functioning set of mandibles would have to be not to be arsed to chew their sustenance. I venture to suggest, in both the former and the latter scenarios, roughly the same level of laziness is at play. Smoothie-drinkers: why not snap on a giant nappy, take a shit, and be done with it?

The fact remains that smoothie makers are still in business, which implies a healthy level of demand for their produce. If they are so bad, why is this? Obviously answering this question is well beyond the remit and scope of a blog such as this; there is probably a PhD thesis in it. No doubt part of the answer lies in the fact that people are indeed incredibly lazy. (Why, then, don’t they wear nappies? Ah, my friend: the Eternal Mystery.) Another part of the answer no doubt lies in the fact that fruit is crap. I personally err on the side of a Freudian explanation: people drink (Jesus, what is the correct verb??) smoothies because it reminds them of baby food. I have no evidence for this, but I think it.

I will end with this simple point. The other day Average Food Blog tweeted, and I quote: ‘smoothies = the devil’s semen.’ We got a retweet. I rest my case.

Smoothies: 0/10

2 thoughts on “SMOOTHIES

  1. del

    I think a slug of Smoothie must be the term. It has been established that they usually each contain a few slugs but they are not listed in the contents for fear of offending literate vegetarians.


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