20 ‘COOLEST RESTAURANTS’ IN ‘BRITAIN’

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a ‘cool’ restaurant.

Today, in The Times, AFB stumbled across a pullout entitled ‘20 Coolest Restaurants In Britain’. Despite having not read the list, or indeed wiped our proverbial arses with it, AFB can confidently assert that anyone who eats in any one of these places on account of seeing it on this list is thereby a Grade-A, Ming Dynasty tool.

I mean, what kind of imbecile sees a restaurant on a list in The Times and says “you know what, Cressida? Let’s get a babysitter for Oscar and Lucas and go there”?

And it doesn’t even purport to be a list of good restaurants – in which case the scenario just adumbrated wouldn’t be totally ridiculous  –  it is a list of ‘coolest’ restaurants. What the hell does that even mean anyway? What is ‘cool’, in the context of a restaurant? I would venture to suggest that being ‘cool’ and being in The Times are very close to being mutually exclusive (and no: Giles ‘I only ever talk about my daughter’ Coren and Caitlin ‘tiresome, self-appointed arbiter of all womanhood’ Moran are not counterexamples to this conjecture). I would also venture to suggest that being ‘cool’ and being on any kind of list of ‘coolness’ is a highly problematic relationship: surely anyone with any pretence at Coolness (Coolitude? Cooliosity? Coolio?), would balk at being stuck on that kind of list. For who is in charge of the list? Who decides what goes on and what doesn’t, and what the HELL gives them this right? I reckon a restaurant’s being ‘cool’ basically amounts to having loud music and uncomfortable chairs anyway.

There are a lot of very deep issues here, such as the nature of coolness, and the purpose of lists, and the purpose of restaurants. Far be it from AFB to actually engage on an intellectual level with any of these issues. What we will say is this: if anyone feels like constructing a list of the coolest food blogs, you can leave us off. We don’t care for you, or your families, or anything you hold dear. People who compile lists of ‘cool’ things are ipso facto totally uncool.

(Having said this, we are a pretty cool blog. ITEM A: we just used ‘ipso facto’, bitches; ITEM B: we don’t just talk about food, we talk about people talking about issues tangentially related to food. This isn’t just a food blog, this is an Average Food Blog. Deal with it.)

PS: HAHAHAHAHA I’VE LITERALLY JUST RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HOXTON BAR AND KITCHEN

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