NUTTY BISCUITS

Though it certainly has an air of it, I’m not sure this is a Christmas-related AFB. The Middle Eastern-owned UK newsagent has opened our minds to nutty biscuits all year round; though as if to deliberately confuse matters I’m current well into a pack of pistachio and almond biscuits bought from a Middle Eastern-owned UK newsagent during Advent.

All this said, the miscellaneous nutty biscuit is synonymous with the festive season – at least where I grew up. My mum makes an astute almond crescent around this time of year. But even the most astute biscuit-maker would struggle to make the case of even the best nutty biscuit being a snack to inspire anything more than vague interest.

They’re fine. That’s it. A bit sweet and nutty, but you’d expect these as minimum qualities. There is absolutely no build beyond this. Vanilla and/or coconut essence can be added to the mix, but these are essences, not superheroes. I spent over an hour screaming “TRANSCEND!” at an almond crescent once – to absolutely no avail. My mum was in tears.

The fundamental, unverified fact lying behind this blog is that no-one on earth would name a nut as their favourite food. This registers the nutty biscuit’s hopes for self-improvement fatally flawed. Almond, pistachio, AN ut – there will be no rise to glory.

If a nutty biscuit were an undergraduate student, it’d get a low 2:1 from a friendly examiner. If it were a Premier League football team, it’d be Aston Villa.

6/10 – and never a point more.

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