The Festive Season is upon us. (It officially started somewhere around the end of September, so if you don’t know that then there really is very little likelihood of you comprehending anything you are about the read here or anywhere else, and I suggest you leave this blog forewith.) I predict that, during the Festive Season, around one in ten of our readers will come into contact in one way or another with a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. By my calculations this equates to a total of about 1.3 people. And it would be remiss of us to have those 1.3 people embark upon their festivities without our penny’s worth. So here goes.
First things first: in terms of taste, there is nothing wrong with Terry’s Chocolate Orange. Sure, they are not exactly the Tsar of chocolates, but nor are they the serfs. They are perfectly respectable members of the Duma. (If you are not getting this then I suggest you go away and finish your homework, AND DO YOUR TOP BUTTON UP WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!) Despite their tendency to melt slightly at room temperature, they are reasonably tasty. Nice. Pleasant.
But if you think we are ready to leave it there you clearly have no notion of anything AFB stands for. We are a Concept. An Idea. A Brand. And as such we want to dig beneath the surface. To think outside the box. To action some blue sky thinking.
I have identified two problems with Terry’s Chocolate Orange. Both problems are contained within the title, and will be dealt with in turn.
Firstly: ‘Terry’s’. Who the fuck is Terry? John Terry? Chocolate is brown so I doubt he likes it. Terry Wogan? Who IS this ‘Terry’ exactly? (Probably the bloke who started the company that makes the eponymous Chocolate Orange, but where’s the fun in that?) At any rate, this issue was alluded to by avid chocolate consumer Dawn ‘They’re Not Terry’s They’re Mine’ French in those unfunny adverts, so we can leave this point here I think.
Secondly: ‘Orange’. In what sense is the chocolate ‘orange’? Here I must refer back to my initial point that the thing tastes perfectly adequate, but at the same time there is absolutely no sense in which it tastes of anything resembling orange. None at all. No way.
As so often happens with AFB, we have uncovered a deep, conceptual issue here. For Terry’s Chocolate ‘Orange’ is far from unique in baring a flavour that tastes nothing like the thing it purports to represent. For example, nothing labelled ‘strawberry flavour’ ever tastes anything like strawberry. Again, it often tastes nice (strawberry Nesquick is a particular favourite), but to suggest it actually resembles strawberry is about as far-fetched as saying the current state of the economy represents justice (OOH! POLITICAL!).
Weirdly, strawberry flavour and orange favour are in fact entities unto themselves. I predict that in the future we will have things that are ‘strawberry-flavour flavour’ and ‘orange-flavour flavour’. Perhaps it will even go further – a future of infinite flavour-based iteration is upon us, people, and I for one am not especially keen to be a part of it.
‘Terry’s’ Chocolate ‘Orange’ – 4/10
PS they should call it a ‘Chorange’. That would definitely bump the score up a couple of notches.