Josh, let’s not take this outside, Josh. It’s icy in the north and I’m on crutches, Josh.
Firstly, let’s pet the elephant in the room: Josh is a Jew, in the broadest, most secular terms. This, in the broadest possible, most secular terms, precludes Josh from critical comment on Christmas traditions. But if we must joust, joust I will…
Firstly, pies, in any form, are never bad. Meat pies, cheese pies, apple pies, pies in tins, mince pies. This point alone renders all of Joshie-Woshie’s ‘points’ null. But I shall continue, as it’s Boxing Day, and I’m bored.
Secondly, the mince pie is a mystery to the mince pie virgin – a mystery with a glorious unveiling. Beef mince? Lamb mince? OH MY GOD – WHAT IS THIS FLAVOUR SENSATION?
Egalitarianism. The mince pie is full of this (and mince). Pastry and mince is a combination so conceptually average that it enables access for even the most inept culinaire to take part and increase their sense of self-worth. If you still can’t be arsed, the bought mince pie is another wonder; the ingredients so limited that the lines demarking the haves and have-nots cannot be easily drawn. The Gourmet mince pie is never discernibly better than the Value version.
Finally, the mince pie is inclusive on the terms of the ingredients themselves. The mince pie filling gets absolutely no run-outs during the year except Christmas. I personally like to see all average foods having their day; it’s a borderline life-affirming experience. What a cold-hearted man is our Joshie-Woshie Do-Da to not acknowledge this.
To sum up: I’m not about to petulantly claim that mince pies are a 10/10+ average food, but they are a solid competitor in a world crying out for solidity. Joshie-Monster on the other hand is not a wise man, his sack is empty, and is currently eating coal in a beige suburban restaurant, by himself.
Mince pies: 7.5/10