ICELAND BREAKFAST PIZZA (GUEST POST BY RICHARD TYRONE JONES)

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Icelandic Pizza

This is my third guest review for the Average food blog, and my first review of a domestic British food product… or is it?

For yes, this is a domestically-available frozen pizza from the UK’s largest freezer centre chain, and when I mentioned the very concept of ‘breakfast pizza’ my Sicilian housemate evinced deep alarm. So you’d perhaps expect such a frozen breakfast pizza to be a deep pan behemoth of sticky cheese, shavings of fatty bacon, greasy mushrooms and the odd sausage slice, following the sad example of canned ‘all day breakfasts’.

No. This is a far more strange and subtle product. For one, it’s “A real Italian pizza made in Meduno, a small village near Venice in Northern Italy… left to rest for 6 hours before it is baked traditionally in a stone oven producing a delicious thin and crispy base.” Since eating real Napolitan pizzas I can’t stand deep pan; and while this might be more of a sign that I have entered the middle class in a kind of irreversible second puberty, this base is indeed really good; crispy and air-bubbled. It’s coated in tomato puree not, as it claims with false modesty on the front of the box, tomato sauce; mozzarella, not cheddar.

And yet there are crappy British flavours. Pasteurised liquid whole egg is the predominant initial tang – it makes up 11% of the whole pizza not, as it claims falsely and immodestly on the front of the box, ‘pieces of egg’. At first, this pizza tastes like the War. Yet the processed egg tastes great – sweet, in harmony with the cheese and far better than the experiments with merely cracking one onto a pizza I’ve previously attempted. The ‘smoked formed bacon’ adds to the lend-lease savour. It’s still 92% pork but, to ride on the metaphor of the cross-cultural mélange, it tastes like bacon that’s been translated into ham via Google Translate then translated back into bacon again. It makes no sense but brings out the hidden meanings of pork.

Thus its two main themes, the Italian gourmet and the shitty British, oppose each other to achieve harmony, in a Swan Lake Roller Derby of a frozen meal. It could do with more mushrooms, but it takes thirteen minutes to cook rather than the slapdash staggered burning of different ingredients you do with a real cooked breakfast. You don’t mind the lack of hash brown or even black pudding. As less is more, it could do with being £1.25 rather than £1.50, but at 355g it’s reasonably filling and will keep a large human like me going till lunch but no longer.

I would recommend this product for students who like their irony shaped like a Frisbee.

I would recommend this product for the recently-divorced travelling salesperson who wants to console themselves with an illusory sense of freedom.

I would recommend this product for UKIP politicians who wish to prove they’re not racist by providing an example of how properly-assimilated, moderate immigration has revived this country’s culinary culture.

I would recommend this product for ravers on a comedown who really really like the idea of a full breakfast but know they will only be able to stomach a few bites of a thin simulacrum.

I would recommend this product for people who don’t know which class they are anymore but still shop at Iceland so they can keep a smug moneysaving grin on their face.

I would recommend this product. 4/5

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