I was glad that Weetabix had intervened at a point where I was doing four jobs and moving house. “If anyone’s on the go right now, it’s me,” I thought to myself. “This, surely, is therefore the exact product for this moment in my life.” I was wrong.

They had already got deeply involved in the breakfast biscuit craze, and now they’ve gone a step further. Apparently, this alleged breakfast in a bottle has “all the protein, energy and fibre of a Weetabix cereal with milk.” I dispute this vehemently.

It also has all the taste of the sink water of a milkshake factory, all the joy in consumption of the breakfast of a duck bound for Foie gras, and all the aesthetics of clay. On the latter, Weetabix clearly assumes you will not decant this into a glass from its gaudy bottle. You would not fuck around with the likes of decanting and glasses if you were truly ‘on the go’, of course.

Following this cataclysmically shit experience, in order to give myself even the calories to open Microsoft Outlook, I had to eat a banana and half a significant-sized bag of nuts. The most important meal of the day was rendered pained, protracted, and ultimately unsatisfying, like a Scotland World Cup Qualifying campaign.

This is truly the lowest ‘food’ has ever sunk; the worst act of capitalism I have ever been involved in, apart from the wheelie bag I bought from Leeds Kirkgate Market 18 months ago which fell apart on a zebra crossing in Edinburgh hours after purchase. If this is what ‘on the go’ looks like, I wish stay right here.

Since I have vowed to avoid minus ratings on this blog, the only recourse is as follows:

Weetabix on the go – [unrated]


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