“Oh man, don’t you just pine for the days when pub chips were cut by hand?”
The answer to this question is “no.” Despite the paucity of points of interest in my life, I still have better things to think about than this*.
In the days of pubs having ideas above their station with greater and greater frequency, the idea has evolved that any chips served must be badged ‘hand-cut’ – which to the uninitiated can imply a sexy M&S ad-style experience is on the way alongside with your ‘hand-reared’ chicken burger or ‘hand-spooned’ mayonnaise.
Listen up, uninitiated; hand-cut chips are the red herring’s red herring, albeit without ever tasting of herring. They do, though, often have strange and completely unsolicited sweet potato overtones.
WHY HAVE YOU CHANGED THE STANDARD CHIPPING POTATO? ALL I ASKED IS FOR YOU TO CUT THE ORIGINAL POTATO WITH THE HANDS YOU WERE BORN WITH FOR £1 PREMIUM, YOU MEDDLING, PRETENTIOUS PUB KITCHEN SCUMBAG. THE TEXTURE IS GENERALLY FLACCID AND GREASY TOO. ARGH! I REALLY WISH THAT “HAND-CUT MY COCK” WORKED AS A SUCCESSFUL COMEBACK TO THIS MADNESS, BUT IT CLEARLY DOES NOT.
I sense that Barack Obama would be appalled by all this futile change in the pub chip market; change that absolutely no-one can surely believe in.
Pubs: Just reverse all this chip-related elaboration and I will become less angry, and possibly more readable. Until then, I want all my chips cut by the laser guns of gigantic cyborgs fuelled by hands amputated in the aftermath of industrial accidents. I sense this is the only way for the rational person to make his/her point.
PUB CHIPS AVERAGE SCORE (2010): 8/10
PUB CHIPS AVERAGE SCORE (2014): 4/10
*Pointedly, I do not have better things to do than add the 253 words which follow.