It would not be an exaggeration to say that Lindt ruined my Christmas. In fact, I would go further and say that Lindt has destroyed my faith in chocolate, God and all things holy.
It would be easier, so much easier, if Lindt chocolates were actually unpleasant to the taste. But the fact is they are pretty delicious. Much like a sexy but devious ex-partner, this makes it all the harder to hate them. (“Yeh, yeh”, as Republica once sang, “but he’s drop dead gorgeous.”)
So what happened? What have Lindt done to cause me such angst? The answer, as is so often the case with these things, is this:
Let me elucidate. Over Christmas, I was presented with a variety of chocolate-based gifts. The one which caused me the most excitement was a giant Lindt ball. A GIANT LINDT BALL! This was basically an object baring the same proportions as one of those Lindt chocolate balls in wrappers, but about ten times the size. Whoa, I thought. That is a hell of a lot of Lindt (which, as we saw in the second paragraph of this article, is pretty delicious).
Now giant chocolates are nothing particularly revolutionary. When I was younger I remember being greatly disappointed to discover that those giant Easter egg versions of Mars and Twix and M&Ms were in fact just hollow chocolate, rather than giant, egg-shaped versions of the comestibles whose names they carried. I am not so naive anymore. I am a man of the streets. I have seen life. I am aware that much of what purports to be good in this world is just so much hollow chocolate.
Thus, upon being presented with the giant Lindt ball, I expected that it would just be a hollow chocolate casing, filled with normal-sized Lindt balls. This I could make my peace with. But NO – at Lindt they couldn’t even be bothered to go that far. For what was upon us was simply a transparent plastic sphere, filled with Lindt balls. I’ll repeat that. Underneath the wrapping was simply a TRANSPARENT PLASTIC SPHERE FILLED WITH LINDT BALLS.
Am I wrong to feel cheated? Am I wrong to think that a tacit promise was reneged upon? Am I wrong to question everything I thought I could trust? Am I wrong to want to take a plane to Switzerland, seek out the headquarters of Lindt, and kick their CEO in his transparent, plastic balls?
Am I wrong?
Am I wrong?