So you’re in a restaurant, and on the menu there are various items. (Obviously. It’s a restaurant.*) Among these items is one simply labelled ‘meat’. Nothing else, just ‘meat’. Do you plump for this item? Or do you recoil in abject horror at the sheer, breathtaking, heart-stopping, face-melting, complete and UTTER disregard for specificity?

Or consider this. You’re flicking through the Radio Times (is that even still a thing now?), and among the items on offer is one simply labelled ‘film’. Nothing else, just ‘film’. Do you grab some popcorn, curl up next to your loved one, and tune in? Or do you put your foot through the telly and send Radio Times the bill?

Or consider this… Actually, don’t. You get the idea. Specificity is good. It helps us in our day-to-day lives. Without it, life would be one big giant, hideous game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

It is not as though the muppets at Sainbury’s failed to recognise this. After all, their cheese is not only ‘sliced’, but ‘lighter’ and ‘mature’ and ‘British’ as well. It is not often that four adjectives are appended to an item of food. Indeed, one might even consider this to be too much specificity. But hey, specificity is generally a good thing, right?

So why in the name of Alex James did they not carry this premise through and SPECIFY WHAT TYPE OF CHEESE THIS IS??? Is it cheddar? Is it Gouda? Is it Cornish Yarg? What the fuck is it? It is as though someone had offered up ‘farm-reared, two-year-old, smoked, born-in-a-barn-in-Dorset, at 3pm on a Wednesday, MEAT. No one gives a shit about any of that other stuff. Just tell us what type of meat it is!

Needless to say, AFB have not actually tried the cheese in question. we’re a bit scared. Just like you would be at the prospect of, say, drinking from a can labelled simply ‘liquid’.


*ignoring the fact that there’s currently a hipster craze for single-item restaurants – lobster, breakfast cereal, what have you. These restaurants are anything but average, and consequently AFB shall not be gracing them with its presence.

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