“I’m over my head with this. I need buy in and sign off from someone senior. Like mad senior. Like crazy mad senior sign-off for this shit to fly like a motherfucker and shit.”
And, yeah, you may not have an internal monologue like an English white kid trying to act like an American black kid trying to act like a dick, but you get my drift. When I decided I wanted to write a blog about the highly important subject of Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs, I knew I couldn’t just go ahead, willy-nilly.
I needed to consult Average Food Blog founding father, chief rabbi and vegetarian king pin, Joshua Seigal. I went to his north west London abode to do just that.
I knocked on Joshua’s door. He greeted me civilly and led me up to his office (his bedroom), sat me down on his lounge chair (his bed). Before my interview began he went to freshen up (have a wee) while I looked at his wall art (Buffy poster).
When he returned, he sat down on his chair (swivel) and said: “Talk.”
“Sir – may I call you Sir?”
“Call me Josh.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sure I’m sure.”
“Josh, I’ve got something on my mind.”
“What type of eggs?”
“Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs.”
“For the love of Linda McCartney – you better sit the fuck down.”
“I am sat down.”
“Stand up and sit down again.”
I stood up and sat down again and he said:
“How do you feel, brother? About the eggs. The Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs.”
Josh stared at me like a prophet whose specialist knowledge is Chicago Town pizza.
“Talk to me…about the eggs. How do you feel about the eggs?”
“Come right out with it, unexpurgated. Tell me how you feel.”
I gulped, stared at my hands and thought, this is it. No more bullshit. No more denials. No more starting three sentences in a row with no more.
“Josh… It’s so difficult to explain… I feel about Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs the way some people feel about mini Scotch eggs. But then not like that at all.
“It’s like, have you eaten Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs, Josh?”
“I have, brother.”
“You know when you stick two of them in your mouth and then push them out again, like you’re teabagging?”
“I like that. And it’s not just that, I mean they are so puntable, you can drop kick one of them across a busy street and get the feeling you’ve hit a football, no-nonsense, into row Z.
“And then there’s the succulence. You bite into the mini egg and get that mycoprotein* hit, which combines with the eggyness of the egg, and the seasonality of the seasoning, that’s, well that’s perfection like you don’t see too often outside of heaven.
“But, Joshua, Joshie, Joshie-Woshie…can I call you Joshie-Woshie?”
“If you must.”
“Joshie-Woshie, I don’t know how to write this down, because these eggs deserve a blogsterpiece for everything they’ve done for me.”
Joshie-Woshie looked at me, swivelled in his chair, looked up at Buffy and back at me again and said:
“Write what you have told me and you will have your blogsterpiece, and you will have done a great service to Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs, and indeed the entire Quorn family.”
And then Joshua magically pulled a pack of Quorn Savoury Mini Eggs from under his bed. We both took two, pushed them into our mouths, and out again, and in again, and so on, until we finally swallowed, and I went home to write this.
*Mycoprotein is what Quorn is. I like the way it sounds so unfoodlike, so lab-built. So fake. So average, in a space age way.