MYLK

with a Y, motherfyckers!

with a Y, motherfyckers!

It would be very, very easy to cynically mock this product. (We split an infinitive. Bite us.*) It would be a piece of piss to skewer the affectation of using a ‘y’ instead of an ‘i’. It would be even more of a doddle to rib the logo for being exactly the kind of thing you’d expect a callow vegan at Womad to have etched across his/her/its sternum. But we’re not going to do this. One of us is a veggie after all, so we are, like, all into the whole worthiness thing. (At least one of us is. The other one – and I mention no names except to say that it begins with a ‘G’ and ends with an ‘Ary Hartley’ – is a moral leper.) If a trendy start-up wants to use their entrepreneurial skill to promote healthy, ethical lifestyle choices then we shall not mock. We think this is a Good Thing. Hell, you know those fancy-dressed people chasing Nigel Farage out of that pub that time? That was us, yo.

That said, we do have a degree of (vegan, ethically-sourced) beef with this product. It actually tastes surprisingly decent for an item whose list of ingredients reads like a brochure from Kew Gardens, but it contains a rogue ingredient; something ten squillion times more unacceptable than even the cutest, most painfully slaughtered little veal; something that is utterly, utterly inexcusable.

Ladies and gentlemen (and those who do not subscribe to the patriarchal, capitalistic gender binary), that ingredient is…dun dun dunnnnnnn:

Goo.

Despite adhering to the exhortation on the cardboard container to shake well before consuming, or something to that effect, the ‘chai’ version of the mylk drunk I purchased nonetheless contained an unpleasant gooey residue. I assume this came from the ‘organic date nectar’, but I don’t really give a toss if it came out the collective fundaments of Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Gandhi and Russell Brand – no matter how worthy it is, goo is goo is goo is goo.

And it’s totally heinous. It made me want to vomit all over my copy of the Sun.** (Mylk and the Sun: an uneasy juxtaposition if ever there was one (but a decent band name, perhaps)) But hey, that wouldn’t be the first time the Sun got goo all over it!!!!!!!!!!! #bantz #lol #goodtimes

Anyway, yeah. Goo. For that, I’m afraid that mylk gets 4/10.

*Seriously, please do. We get our jollies off of it. Write to us at the usual address.

** I picked up an abandoned copy on the train. Know your enemy.

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