POMEGRANATES

Pomegranate_DSW

The ancient Egyptians apparently regarded the pomegranate as a symbol of prosperity and ambition. AFB regards them as a symbol of fucking shit.

For those of you unacquainted with the Punica granatum, it looks kind of like a parboiled pig’s bladder, and when sliced spills forth hundreds of little bright-red seeds like larval devil-spores from the ovaries of Lilith. (I’m sure I’ve tangled up my biological metaphors, but you’re not exactly here for educational purposes now, are you?)

Pomegranates are a terrible, terrible thing.

You might think I have been doing their looks a disservice. They do look pretty interesting, I’ll give you that. The fact that I scraped the bottom of the metaphor-barrel in the previous paragraph certainly attests to the uniqueness of their appearance. But what happens when you actually attempt to chow down on the bloody thing? Let me run through it for you.

Firstly, you’ll be met with a thick, pillowy skin, which in fact takes up most of the bloody fruit. It is bitter and inedible and utterly fucking pointless. In slicing through said skin you’ll undoubtedly get a bit of red juice splashed upon your clothes. This red juice will definitely cause a stain which you will not be able to get out.

Next, you’ll encounter lots of little seeds. You’ll put one in your mouth and it will be disgustingly bitter. You’ll realise that this was because you bit right through the seed, rather than eating merely the sweet pulp encasing it. You’ll take another seed, and eat the pulp only, spitting out the seedy bit. You’ll realise that the seedy bit comprised about 90% of the seed in the first place, and that the fruit (which is mainly skin anyway) contains hundreds of the buggers, and you’ll marvel at the utter futility of it all.

You might eat another seed, just to make sure your previous seedular experience wasn’t a horrible aberration. Then, if you are anything resembling a sane person, you’ll give up and throw the whole pathetic thing in the bin, all the while mourning the two quid you forked out for the privilege.

There is a reason the ancient Egyptians are not around anymore, and I’ll venture it’s because they ate crap fruit.

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