WALKERS CHEESE & ONION CRISPS

Solidity. Let’s talk about solidity in food. Not the liquid content, but the solidity. Come on now, you know what I mean.

Walkers Cheese & Onion crisps* are so damn solid. Never has a food so ostensibly mediocre so over-performed on so many occasions.

It might well be pointed out that they make the perfect metaphor for the football club Leicester City in the 2015/16 season.

Entirely coincidentally, Walkers Crisps, inclusive of Cheese and Onion, are made in Leicester, city. Walkers Cheese and Onion also wear blue. Like Leicester City.

This parallel is pretty much going nowhere at this point, but having already successfully joined the bandwagon, let’s talk a little more about the crisp in question, and see if we can bring the laboured metaphor back later.

The crisp tastes little to nothing like if you were to grab a piece of cheese, cheddar for example, a bit of onion (either cooked or raw) and simultaneously bite into the pair. Cheese & Onion flavouring is an entity unto itself, unhinged from conventional reflections of ‘reality’. Like Leicester City’s 2015/16 season. It didn’t take too long there, did it? 

Office environments are one application where the metaphor crucially fails. Being a Leicester City fan will have no doubt brought unwanted office interaction upon the worker who just wants to keep their head down and fundamentally hates all their colleagues. On the other hand, eating Walkers Cheese & Onion on a lunch break repels all potential banterers for an entire afternoon.

I hope you enjoyed the above gradually-increasing-in-size seven paragraphs to nowhere.

WALKER’S CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS: 7/10 (BUT IT FEELS LIKE AN 8)

*Let it be noted that we are not discussing WALKERS DEEP RIDGED CRISPS (CHEESE AND ONION) in this blog.

 

STADIUM CHEESE AND ONION PASTY

Not actual pasty.

This pasty was anthemic. This pasty was epic. This triplet is fraudulent.

Selhurst Park Stadium, home of Crystal Palace FC, had inevitably run out of meat-based pastry snacks by the time I arrived at the counter, late in the half-time period of Palace v Leeds United (FT: 2-2), so the vegetarian option it was.

The pastry was a decent thickness and only several bits of crumb fell to the floor or on my jacket sleeve while consuming off a makeshift plate (napkin). The sauce mix was temperate, which can be commended in a field where sauces can be a tongue-scarringly brutal surprise within an unassuming casing. The taste edged more towards Walker’s cheese and onion than its natural cousins.

There were no elaborate solos from unidentified food products within this sauce mix – another bonus. You have to seize on small victories in the world of stadium snacking.

To suggest I was living on a prayer by eating this baked snack would be overly harsh judgement on the environmental health standards of the Selhurst Park kitchens and kitchen staff, but in terms of overall satisfaction, it didn’t take me more than halfway there.

A solid 5/10.