Tag Archives: disgusting

BAI ANTIOXIDANT INFUSION: KULA WATERMELON

BaiKula

Nobody knows what ‘Bai Antioxidant Infusion’ means; least of all its makers.

Unfortunately, this hasn’t stopped them.

This drink is absolutely disgusting. Working off the strange mouth-drying sensation that Oasis fruit beverages do so well despite their liquid form, Bai Antioxidant Infusion takes the reigns and rides that horse off a cliff.

Watermelons are nice. Most teas are nice. This is nice hung, drawn and bottled, and all for well over £2. I can’t begin to work out how they could’ve fucked up a theoretically simple beverage so absolutely.

Naturally, I can only write about my experiences with the kula (again, meaning unknown) watermelon model. The other fruit flavours in the range may well be delicious. But just because the possibility of a thing exists, doesn’t make it in any way likely.

To make matters considerably worse, the label features a completely nonsensical story about Robin Hood in the most afterthought piece of narrative branding the world has ever had inflicted upon it – see below.

IMG_20170505_082750475_HDR

That’s right, the marketing team behind Bai Antioxidant are advocating for its product to be made illegal. Edgy. Banter. Both. Or Something.

Given that is a company that is shifting enough units to justify a Super Bowl commercial starring Justin Timberlake and Christopher Walken, I can safely say I understand the world less than ever.

If this is what antioxidants are all about, then I’m throwing my hat in with the oxidants.

TASTE/ EXPERIENCE: 1/10

TASTE/ EXPERIENCE + MARKETING: -5/10

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WEETABIX ON THE GO (VANILLA)

I was glad that Weetabix had intervened at a point where I was doing four jobs and moving house. “If anyone’s on the go right now, it’s me,” I thought to myself. “This, surely, is therefore the exact product for this moment in my life.” I was wrong.

They had already got deeply involved in the breakfast biscuit craze, and now they’ve gone a step further. Apparently, this alleged breakfast in a bottle has “all the protein, energy and fibre of a Weetabix cereal with milk.” I dispute this vehemently.

It also has all the taste of the sink water of a milkshake factory, all the joy in consumption of the breakfast of a duck bound for Foie gras, and all the aesthetics of clay. On the latter, Weetabix clearly assumes you will not decant this into a glass from its gaudy bottle. You would not fuck around with the likes of decanting and glasses if you were truly ‘on the go’, of course.

Following this cataclysmically shit experience, in order to give myself even the calories to open Microsoft Outlook, I had to eat a banana and half a significant-sized bag of nuts. The most important meal of the day was rendered pained, protracted, and ultimately unsatisfying, like a Scotland World Cup Qualifying campaign.

This is truly the lowest ‘food’ has ever sunk; the worst act of capitalism I have ever been involved in, apart from the wheelie bag I bought from Leeds Kirkgate Market 18 months ago which fell apart on a zebra crossing in Edinburgh hours after purchase. If this is what ‘on the go’ looks like, I wish stay right here.

Since I have vowed to avoid minus ratings on this blog, the only recourse is as follows:

Weetabix on the go – [unrated]