I went to Joshua’s wedding. I reviewed the food at said wedding. I left all our loyal three readers hanging with the promise of a review of my Travelodge breakfast.
Well, here it is goddamit. Late but not forgotten. I hope you have not lost two weeks of your precious life waiting for this banger to drop.
But if you have, let’s get straight to the chase: the Travelodge all-you-can-eat English breakfast is an absolute crock of shit.
At £8.95 premium on top of your room cost, this is probably one of the worst ways you can spend money, in a nation where it’s hard to extract any value from anything whatsoever.
It features uncooked lukewarm tomatoes, flavourless and lukewarm mushrooms dribbling a liquid that may well be tears, and the kind of sausage that could be achieved with well-mashed paper and budget sausage flavouring. I can’t even be bothered describing the rest. The Heinz condiments were at least reliable.
On the day I visited, there weren’t even initially any forks available, so I resorted to attempting to cut bacon, which was probably the highlight of this profound shit show, with a spoon.
All-you-can-eat? I ate very little. Even that was far too much.
Of course, you could argue that I should have tried the ‘continental’ breakfast elements as part of my nine-quid haemorrhage to try and lessen the damage, but by this point I was psychologically broken. I left my key card on the desk with a quietly-uttered and insincere thanks and walked into the suburban street, a sense of hopelessness consuming me.